She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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