i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
