I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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