I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
