I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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