you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
