i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
