there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
