Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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