I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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