drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
