tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
