my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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