thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
