We won't sleep together?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
