Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
