I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
