Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
