New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
