you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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