Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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