guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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