this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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