have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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