i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
