fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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