If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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