I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
