Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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