so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
oh god the rape fog is back!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
