I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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