do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
