Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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