I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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