I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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