I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
