i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
