I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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