I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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