So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
