I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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