last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
