Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
