Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
