i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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