just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Less talking, more tequila
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
