i just sent this text using only my big toe
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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