Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
