my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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