How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
it wasn't lemon gatorade
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
